Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog

Paris Hilton has thrown her hat into the presidential ring, promising to take on that old "wrinkly, white-haired guy" and paint the White House pink if elected.

In a spoof campaign ad featured on the Web site Funny Or Die, Hilton delivered a tart response to John McCain's recent attack ad, in which he dismissed Obama as just another vapid celebrity like Paris Hilton.

The ad calls McCain "the oldest celebrity in the world, like super-old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket."

While reclining on a chair in a skimpy bathing costume and gold stilettos, the 27-year-old celebutante announced her presidential ambitions:

"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity, too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot. But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude.

"I want America to know that I'm, like, totally ready to lead," she says. (Watch Paris Hilton's campaign video)

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How closely have you been following the presidential election? Test your knowledge of Obama and McCain trivia with this shocking quiz and we'll rate your political IQ.

"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno

"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial. He says, like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno

"According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend's hotel room at the Beverly Hilton at 2 AM in the morning. If this story turns out to be true, there goes his chance of becoming Vice President; though he could still be governor of New York." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson

"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman

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Dan Quayle has dashed the hopes of comedians everywhere by declining an invitation to appear on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. It's a damn shame, because if he'd been able to dance as well as he spells, it would have made for some highly entertaining television.

No doubt Quayle is busy with other important pursuits more befitting a former vice president of his stature, like jockeying to win the Nobel Prize for Golf.

Since Quayle won't be providing us with any new comic material, here are a few classic Quayle-isms to remember him by.

This Just In:

• In honor of Barack Obama's birthday, 23/6 presents cards from his loved ones and political enemies

• David Letterman presents the Top Ten Signs Barack Obama is Overconfident. #10: Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to "Oklobama"

• The popular online comic strip Get Your War On is now an animated series, presented by 23/6. As creator David Rees promises, "These animations will be like Hobbes' conception of life in the state of nature: 'nasty, brutish and short.'

• The Onion: Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet

• David Letterman presents the Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Appear More Youthful. #1: Never hurts to nail a few interns

• Revisit your favorite political gaffes with the Campaign Gaffe Remix, presented by 23/6

• The Washington Post has launched Comic Riffs, a new blog devoted to the comics fan.

• Paula Poundstone confesses to being shamefully ignorant about energy and the environment (23/6)

• Barack Obama is drawing more comedic attention following his overseas trip, reports the LA Times' Top of the Ticket, which cites some of the Obama jokes in my weekly roundup

• Our friend and fellow political satirist Mad Kane has been named the winner of the 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor. Congrats Mad!

(Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Barack Obama may be getting a rock star reception wherever he goes, but according to John McCain, he's just another vapid celebrity like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That's what McCain suggests in a new ad which features images of the cheering throngs from Obama's recent overseas trips juxtaposed to pictures of Spears and Hilton. "He's the biggest celebrity in the world," an ominous female voice intones. "But is he ready to lead?" (Watch the ad)

Here's the Obama campaign's response: "On a day when major news organizations across the country are taking Sen. McCain to task for a steady stream of false, negative attacks, his campaign has launched yet another. Or, as some might say, 'Oops! He did it again.'"

But as the Huffington Post and Progressive Accountability point out, it's really McCain and Spears who share a special bond -- their unwavering devotion to President Bush. (Watch a video clip containing the damning evidence)

McCain can say whatever he wants about Obama, but how many times does it have to be said: Leave Britney Alone!

As for Paris Hilton, apparently when your fabulously wealthy parents make a $4,600 contribution to the McCain campaign (the maximum you can contribute), this is the thanks you get.

As Jon Stewart put it, "John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, 'I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'" (Watch video clip)

Jay Leno: "The McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno

Update: Paris Hilton strikes back at McCain with her own campaign video: Paris Hilton for President

See also:
Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad (Borowitz Report)
Screaming Match Breaks out on 'The View' Over Ad (Huffington Post)

Related:
Funny Obama Videos
Funny McCain Videos
Best Campaign Humor

(Photos by Getty Images)

In honor of Sen. Ted Stevens' indictment on federal corruption charges, we offer a tribute to the man who once famously declared that the Internet is "not a truck, it's a series of tubes."

Stevens' laughable statement inspired widespread mockery across the Intertubes, including this classic techno remix.

The Daily Show's hilarious coverage of Stevens' dump-truck-tubes symposium is also worth revisiting.

As a refersher, here's what Stevens said during a hearing on Net Neutrality back in 2006, when he was chairman of the Senate Commerice Committee:

"I just the other day got -- an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially...

"They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes.

"And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it's going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."

His Internet expertise will be sorely missed, though if it's any consolation, Stevens should remember that a prison is really just a series of bars.

Related:
Stupid Political Quotes
Daily Show Videos
Funny Election Videos

5) "Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech!" --to Pope Benedict after he spoke at the White House, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008

4) "Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." --at a news conference, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008

3) "And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq." --to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

2) "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

1) "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

Read more Bushisms...

Related:
Bush Quote Generator
Best Bush Jokes & Cartoons
Bush Loyalty Quiz
McCainisms
Obamaisms

President Bush no longer has the market cornered on laughable misstatements. John McCain has become a veritable gaffe machine, and Barack Obama is proving himself no slouch either. Compare some of the ingenious pronouncements they've all made this week:

McCainism of the week: "We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." --Sen. John McCain, referring to a border that does not exist, ABC interview

Read more McCainisms...

Obamaism of the week: "Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel's. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under a McCain...administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change." --Sen. Barack Obama, speaking to reporters in Amman, Jordan

Read more Obamaisms...

Bushism of the week: "There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments." --President Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser in Houston, Texas

Read more Bushisms...

Cast your vote: Who's a bigger idiot?
1) John McCain
2) Barack Obama
3) George W. Bush

Political Humor Roundup
Obama's Mideast Trip (The Daily Show)
Obama's Elitist Summer Abroad (Colbert Report)
McCain Makes Historic First Visit to Internet (Borowitz Report)
If they IM'd: Iraq and Afghanistan (23/6)
Time For Some Campaignin' (JibJab)

Check out the latest additions to our running compilation of funny gaffes, crazy antics, and other triumphs in idiocy from the 2008 campaign trail:

John McCain squirms over a question about Viagra; Jesse Jackson goes nuts about Obama; McCain pledges to veto beer; and Obama claims he's visited 57 states.

Read more…

See also:
Funniest Campaign Moments
Dumbest Campaign Quotes
Funny Obama Videos
Funny McCain Videos