Recent Jokes from the Late-Night Shows

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Read Current Late-Night Jokes

Oct. 24-25, 2008

"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher

"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher

"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher

"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher

"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher

"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher

"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher

"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And what makes it even stranger is that Sarah Palin knows full well that God supports Barack Obama. I mean, look [on screen: Oprah stumping for Obama in IA after endorsing him]. There she is, at one of his rallies!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Obama's Variety Show
SNL: Biden and Murtha Stump for Obama
Late-Night Jokes of the Week

Oct. 23, 2008

"John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. (to McCain) You're welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years." --Will Ferrell as President Bush, endorsing John McCain on Saturday Night Live (Watch video clip)

"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel

 "The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert

"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Campaign 2008's Best Late-Night Laughs
SNL: Will Ferrell's Bush Meets Tina Fey's Palin
Daily Show: Gaffe-In
Colbert Report: The Palins in People Magazine

Oct. 22, 2008

"It wasn't such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them?" --Craig Ferguson

"In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the Democrats better watch out, because the Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe? Boy, nothing says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling." --Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's defense was that $150,000 doesn't go far when you're a female political candidate, and that's true. Last year, Hillary Clinton spent twice that much on suits at Men's Warehouse." --Craig Ferguson

"The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool, but I'm thinking if you're going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?" --Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?" --Craig Ferguson

"Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks." --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's a lot of money. Especially considering all the animals. Isn't she making pelts out of them? Shouldn't she be making her own clothing?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Also yesterday, Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain mentions Joe the Plumber so much, I am afraid he is addicted to crack [on screen: photo of a plumber's backside]." And now, the McCain-Palin campaign is spread spreading the love to all the middle class [on screen: McCain and Palin mentioning 'Ed the dairy man,' 'Rose the teacher,' 'Phil the bricklayer,' 'Molly the dental hygienist,' and 'Chuck the teacher']. I believe they went on to single out Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, and Thomas the Tank Engine. A key demographic. The only person McCain's not talking about is George the President" --Stephen Colbert

"Obviously, for the past two months, we have been discussing Republican vice presidential nominee and gift from heaven, Sarah Palin. If there's one message she has been campaigning on, it's this: vote for us! We're just like you [on screen: Sarah Palin saying she and Todd are going through the same things as working-class Americans]. Heck, gosh, me and Todd, you betcha, we're just average, working class salts-of-the-earth governor and snow machine champions. Governor Palin gets up every morning, and puts on her governoring overalls and goes down to put in an eight-hour shift at the executive branch factory. She is a regular guy, girl, average Joe, lady. It's not like that entire facade she has built up can crumble in the space of a single sentence [on screen: reports that the RNC paid $150,000 to outfit Palin and her family for the election]. [Stewart, singing] She was born in a small town. Doesn't shop in a small town. Gets her clothes in a big town. And buys lots of fancy s***. How do you spend $150,000 on clothes in two months? How does someone who just spent more on clothing in six weeks than most Americans make in two years, show that she can still relate to the common folk?" --Jon Stewart

"In other words, Sarah is not the only Palin who got an upgrade. Almost $5,000 was spent on clothing for her husband, Todd, and more on the Palin children. Now, that's just one scandal. Palin has also charged the Alaska state government for over $21,000 of airfare for her daughters and $700 hotel rooms and went back and amended the expense reports to justify the payments, not to mention $17,000 in per diems she was paid to live in her own home. My God! They're a family of grifters!" --Jon Stewart

"I know how they're doing it. The hot one [on screen: photo of Palin] finds an elderly victim [on screen: photo of McCain]. Then she seduces him with her unfancy-talk and once he pulls out the checkbook, boom! Here come the relatives. The old fart never had a chance!" --Jon Stewart

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Sarah Palin's New Clothes
Daily Show: Project Beltway
Colbert Report: McCain Loves the Middle Class

Oct. 21, 2008

"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson

"Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick." --Craig Ferguson

"Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people." --Craig Ferguson

"And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist]. I was going to go with sheep-f***er." --Jon Stewart

"The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle plan tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that, most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying it's 'reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington]. Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08!" --Jon Stewart

"Now, you can argue this country has dabbled in socialism ever since the income tax was introduced, and calling Obama's plan socialist is a simple deploy that McCain realizes is a bankrupt tactic. Or should I say, realized [on screen: a college student asking McCain why it is that her dad, as a doctor, is penalized in a 'huge tax bracket.' McCain answers that it's because 'to some degree,' he feels that 'obviously that wealthy people can afford more.' The student then asks whether we're 'getting closer to socialism.' McCain says that he believes that 'when you reach a certain level of comfort, there is nothing wrong with paying somewhat more']. That, of course, is the late socialist leader, John McCain. I believe he passed away during the Republican primaries. He will be missed" --Jon Stewart

"Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe. But there is still a huge threat out there. Not al Qaeda, a more sinister organization: ACORN. This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something: voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud [on screen: McCain saying ACORN is participating in one of the 'greatest frauds in voter history in this country' that 'may be destroying the fabric of democracy']. And we all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile, because it is made out of the Founding Fathers' pantyhose." --Stephen Colbert

"You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse" --Stephen Colbert

Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in re-runs this week

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: McCain Says the 'S' Word
Daily Show: Baseball Pandering
Colbert Report: The Word - Fantasyland

Oct. 20, 2008

"We're all a little chafed here about this whole 'some parts of the country are real and American' and other parts are not. This weekend I was performing at Northeastern and I just read the statement that Sarah Palin had made about the 'pro-American' parts of the country and I...in response to that, I think I might have said, you know, 'F**k you!' That's just my way of saying that I think that's a profanity to say, and I was answering with a profanity. But it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this, and I'm not, it's just this whole entire theme that there's more American areas, or some people love the country, some people don't. So what I meant to say is, 'F**k all y'all.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Eeven if John McCain doesn't win the 'election' in 'America,' he'll still be president of real America, the America that matters, the one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from [on screen: Palin in North Carolina, saying that small-town America is 'real America']. What the f**k? So, if small towns are real America, that would make big cities, like Washington, DC, and New York City, the capitals of fake America, like the epicenter of fake America. The, oh, what's the word I'm looking for? The ground zero, if you will, of anti-America. I bet bin Laden feels like a real a**hole now. 'What? I bombed the wrong America? That's it. I'm going into hiding. I'm too embarrassed!'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Tell me more about this real America. It sounds magnificent [on screen: Palin saying in 'real' small-town America is 'where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our war for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform']. Gosh, we don't do any of that stuff. We just spend our days j***ing off onto religious paraphernalia. Jeez, I guess if you're from New York City and you signed up to fight in Iraq and you died, I guess it doesn't count." --Jon Stewart

The only reason Obama got this endorsement is because Colin Powell is black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Colin Powell is black." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"Colin Powell is in the news because he endorsed Barack Obama. I wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He’s probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems." --Craig Ferguson

Note: the rest of the late-night shows are in re-runs this week

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Gov. Palin Clarification
Daily Show: Real America vs. Fake America
Daily Show: Understanding Real America in Wasilla
Colbert Report: Colin Powell Endorses Obama

Oct. 17-18, 2008

"Now come on, of all the weeks of the campaign, this was the weirdest. I mean, John McCain has a new BFF, Joe the Plumber. He said the words 'Joe the plumber' 15 times in the debate the other night. I have seen guys less obsessed with the plumber when they thought he was f*cking their wife."  --Bill Maher

"But apparently this is John McCain's hail mary. You know, he had to do something, because he was way behind, and this was it. Bringing out this 'every man.' This Joe the plumber, who apparently was on the verge of owning his own plumbing business, which would then be taxed by Obama, and prevent Joe from, as McCain said, living the American dream. Oh yes, I'm snaking out a septic tank, pinch me!"  --Bill Maher

"And then today we found out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, 'Who is Barack Obama?'"  --Bill Maher

"I find this all very disillusioning. The next thing we're going to find out is that Larry the Cable Guy isn't really a cable guy."

"The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!"  --Bill Maher

"No, I'm not saying that McCain looks like he's finished, but today they introduced him as the next Viagra spokesman."  --Bill Maher

"I tell you, he did not help himself in the debate on Wednesday night, did you see this? Especially with women when he implied that women who get abortions when their life is in danger, are faking it. Did you see that? He literally made air quotes around the phrase 'health of the mother.' Which struck a lot of people as something an 'asshole' would do. Nice 'campaign' you're running there, Mr. 'Maverick.'"  --Bill Maher

"But he did have one big moment when he said, 'Senator Obama, I am not President Bush.' My running mate is."  --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is going on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow. She said she's a little nervous, she's never acted before. And they told her, please, you'll be fine. It's a lot like lying."  --Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid Sarah Palin. I have a special affection for the insufferable. Today, she was campaigning in North Carolina, and she said she only really wanted to campaign in the 'pro-America' parts of the country. And so does her husband, who unfortunately couldn't be there because he's a secessionist."  --Bill Maher

"Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you're insulted. She said, 'We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.' And if that's not enough, she said Hollywood is such a stinking cesspool; couldn't even be fixed by Joe the plumber. Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she's going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don't: a lot of voters." --Bill Maher

"Senator John McCain was on the program last night. And I don't know about this. He kept referring to me as 'That One.'"  --David Letterman

"Maybe you saw the debate on Wednesday night, and McCain unveiled his new personality. He's got a new personality. The new personality is fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, the next one is going to be tyrannical sea captain. ... And if that doesn't work, fun-loving goucho. And if that doesn't work, ex-patriot saloon owner."  --David Letterman

"Boy, here's something. How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture, opened today, 'W?' Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family. I'm proud to say that I'm actually in 'W.' I have a small part in 'W.' I play the guy who gets peppered with shotgun by Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin remains very popular. ... Many people in the country are very excited about her. In fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? Newborn baby, names the newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space" --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said the following. He said, 'I've been fighting for the United States of America since I was 17 years old.' That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Of course, back then, it was called Pangea.' It was a land mass that slowly separated." --Conan O'Brien

"They remind me a lot, I was thinking about it, of Mr. Drummond and Willis on Different Strokes." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama and McCain

"Some new developments today regarding Joe the Plumber. That's the guy from Ohio who asked Barack Obama why he wanted to raise taxes on the plumbing business he wants to buy. But now it turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'" He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They say Sarah Palin's going to appear on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow night, which will be interesting. She's been the butt of a lot of jokes and, of course, the subject of a lot of criticism. In fact, she said at a rally in North Carolina yesterday that to avoid getting depressed, her staff now limits her access exclusively to the mainstream media. That's a good idea. Just what she needs -- to read less." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two!'" -Jay Leno

"Are you buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he's worried about Joe the plumber's income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and go, 'Well, this is way too low. Put a few more zeros. Put something down there for yourself.'" -Jay Leno
 
"Well, actually, Joe the plumber, not his real name. Actually, his full name, Joe Hussein the plumber." -Jay Leno

"And, of course, all this media attention is going to his head. In fact, today, he now wants to be known as 'the plumber formerly known as Joe.'" -Jay Leno

"You know why I think Republicans are so obsessed with this Joe the plumber? I think they're relieved to be able to talk about a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and it's not Senator Larry Craig." -Jay Leno

"And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion -- everything's billions now, millions don't even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change -- plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks, to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money" --Jay Leno

"Newark, New Jersey's, Catholic Archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher's new movie, 'Religulous,' was filmed at his parish, but not as upset as he was the day the Lord chose him to be Archbishop of Newark." --Seth Meyers

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts this week wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel. Using phrases such as 'tough as a three dollar steak' and 'just another day at the office.' Not to be outdone, Judge Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to Penthouse." --Seth Meyers

"Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth." --Amy Poehler

"Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to 'just be yourself.' Unfortunately, he spelled 'yourself' with three 'l's' and a '6.'" --Amy Poehler

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Sarah Palin Cold Open
SNL: Sarah Palin Rap
Bill Maher on Joe the Plumber
Bill Maher's New Rules

Oct. 16, 2008

"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker." --Jay Leno

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man, how he could help him. You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno

"Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them." --Jay Leno

"Well, there was rumors going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he's human." --Jay Leno

"I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there." --Jay Leno

"A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress?" --Jay Leno

"And in a statement with his wife standing next to him -- and the wives always stand; only in politics do the wives stand next to you when you do this kind of stuff -- Mahoney said this is a private matter. The most important thing to him now is his wife. Well, that's got to make her feel special. Of all the women he's sleeping with, you're number one" --Jay Leno

"A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they've seen enough and they don't want any more presidential debates. That's what they're saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions." --Conan O'Brien

"And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true." --Conan O'Brien

"During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University's auditorium. She was sitting there, yeah. Yeah, and Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University, but he watched from the Delta Gamma sorority house." --Conan O'Brien

"Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"And by the way, I'm your host for the program. I'm Dave the Plumber." --David Letterman

"I guess I don't need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won't show." --David Letterman

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key." --David Letterman

"But the first debate was podiums. ... Then they had the town hall format. Last night it was desks Now the next debate -- competitive eating." --David Letterman

"Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the '60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he's also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull." --David Letterman

"Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Everybody in New York City has Joe the Plumber fever? Can you feel it? I mean, even the Statue of Liberty was holding a plunger." --David Letterman

"And we were going to have Joe the Plumber on the program. We had him booked on the show. But at the last minute he canceled on us to do an interview with Katie Couric." --David Letterman

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry." --David Letterman

"Do you know who was at the debate last night? Hillary Clinton. That's right. I'm thinking to myself, is it really a good idea to be leaving Bill home alone?" --David Letterman

"I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines." --Seth Meyers

"With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted 'We Are The Champions' and shouted 'I'm King of the World.'" --Amy Poehler

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back." --Stephen Colbert, on the presidential debate

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Joe the Plumber's Answering Machine

10. Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?
9. Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?
8. Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy.
7. Dude -- did you get to meet Fannie Mae?
6. This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?
5. You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers' manager.
4. This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and
I'll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench.
3. Joe, you gotta get a copy of this Late Show Fun Facts book -- it's hilarious!
2. It's Brian from the Late Show, are you available tonight if McCain cancels?
1. It's Madonna, are you seeing anybody?

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman: John McCain Interview
SNL: Crazy McCain Lady
SNL: Final Presidential Debate
Tonight Show: Joe Biden on Leno Show
Tonight Show: Joe Biden's Flub
Daily Show: The Final Debate: Word War III
Daily Show: Joe the Plumber's House

Oct. 15, 2008

"How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses." --David Letterman

"The third presidential debate took place in our neck of the woods, out on Long Island. ... I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question, no question who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer." --David Letterman

"But here, I mean, they're going right down to the wire here. You've got Barack Obama and you've got John McCain. And oh, my God, what a soap opera, what a soap opera this has become. I mean, it's the 'Old and the Restless.'" --David Letterman

"Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David Letterman

"Every debate's had one of these, where there's kind of an embarrassing moment, one of the candidates got confused. It happened again earlier tonight, John McCain, they're sitting at desks. That was the new breakthrough for this debate, sitting at desks. And John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the grand slam breakfast." --David Letterman

"I don't want to say John McCain is old, but he's the only guy who fantasizes about Cloris Leachman on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? Do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting. She's interesting, isn't she? And she was at the debate, and she was blinking McCain's answers in code." --David Letterman

"You know, that's what people are saying, they're saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it's some sort of coded message that she's transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually -- this is true -- she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses. And he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon." --David Letterman

 Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. And this is interesting, Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, 'Get him!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Yeah. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out." --Conan O'Brien

"Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie 'W,' says at first, he wasn't sure he should take the role, because it would be such an acting challenge. That's what he said. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton said on Fox News there's no chance of her running for president again -- this year." --Jay Leno

"You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs." --Jay Leno

"Oh, he's not the only one, yeah. Now they're accusing John McCain of being pumped full of formaldehyde." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough. You gotta get that last one." --Jay Leno

"Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe." --Jay Leno

"Hey, look, I don't want to say the stock market is unstable, but this morning, the opening bell was rung by Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno

"And they gave out the Nobel Prize for economics this week. Interesting. It went to a highly intelligent economist. His theory is a little hard, I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it down. This is his theory. He determined that it was bad business to give loans to people who can't pay them back! Apparently, we don't understand that in this country." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was treated today for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices." --Jay Leno

"Actually, doctors shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm after it lost rhythm. Losing rhythm. See, that's when you know you're really, really a white guy. When you lose so much rhythm, you need hospitalization." --Jay Leno

"This is not your typical debate. Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote it. They paid for everything, which is a little bit odd, because Cindy McCain, as you may know, owns an Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona, and also because it's just weird to have alcohol play such a major role in a presidential debate. I don't know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain is not spending nearly enough time working the 'my wife can get us free beer' angle." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, this is kind of a cute thing. Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"All the cable news channels were buzzing about what we could expect to happen at the debate. This morning on CNN, Kyra Phillips was introducing her expert analysts, and well, see if you catch the very subtle Freudian slip [on screen: Phillips introduces Republican strategist Leslie Sanchez as a CNN contributor, but it sounds like she says the word c**t twice before spitting out 'contributor']. It's cable, you can say whatever you want." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is an interesting. Scholastic, the company [that] used to sell books when we were in school. They polled 250,000 American school kids and that they asked who they liked for president. Overwhelmingly, they picked Barack Obama over John McCain. And not only did McCain finish behind Obama, he also finished well behind Batman, the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer. So, you know, a poll like this may seem to be trivial, but believe it or not, this is true, it has correctly predicted who is the president will be every election year since 1960." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As we speak, Barack Obama and John McCain have just finished their third and final debate. Now, in the latest New York Times poll, McCain trails by 14 points. So it is clear what this debate needed to be for him [on screen: people saying McCain needs a game-changer in the final debate]. Hopefully he can change that game to golf. That way the lowest score wins." -Stephen Colbert

"But I personally [am] not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames." --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night Videos
Daily Show: 10,000 McCainiacs
Daily Show: An Arab Family Man
Colbert: NSA's Freaking 3-Way Calling

Oct. 14, 2008

"This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, 'Will work for a seven-figure bonus.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday at the White House -- you know, George Bush is still our President for a couple of more months -- and yesterday down in Washington in the White House, he met with Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi, but Bush kept calling him Boy-R-Dee. It was awful." --David Letterman

"Russia apparently has test-fired long-range ballistic missiles. At least that's what Sarah Palin says she saw from her house." --David Letterman

"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens." --David Letterman

"Tomorrow night is the final presidential debate, and John McCain is going to take this opportunity to unveil his new campaign persona, his new campaign personality, to really energize the last couple of weeks of the campaign: Fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, then he's going to go to sadistic yard bull." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman

"That's awful, isn't it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman

"Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter, is back in the news. He gave an interview in which he says that at first, he was nervous attending the Republican convention with the Palins, but then he was like, 'Whatever.' Yeah, he also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin's speeches." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of politics, a group linked to Democrats is now being investigated because they've been accused of falsifying voter registration forms, including a form for Mickey Mouse. Yeah, President Bush was furious when he heard this, because he thought Mickey Mouse was a Republican." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster." --Conan O'Brien

"This week on the campaign trail, John McCain made some news. He talked about his next debate with Barack Obama, and he said, “I'm going to whip his you-know-what.' Then, McCain vowed to 'hit Obama in the whatchamacallit' and 'kick him in the thingamajig.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming, because we're using less fossil fuel and we're saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush's plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'" --Jay Leno

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nalin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nailin' Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"The last presidential debate is tomorrow night. The debate is gonna be sponsored in part by Anheuser Busch. I guess they were thinking the first two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up before they watch it." --Jay Leno

"More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years." --Jay Leno

"This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, will work for a seven-figure bonus." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the White House, you know, George Bush is still our president for a couple of more months. And yesterday down in Washington in the White House he met with the Italian prime minister Berlusconi. Bush kept calling him Boyardee. It was awful. Here's what happened. Russia apparently has test-fired some long range ballistic missiles. Yep. Uh oh is exactly right. At least, that's what Sarah Palin said she saw from her house." --Jay Leno

"Two big wildfires are burning. Apparently an ember hit the state liposuction fat reserve, and before they knew it, the whole place went up in flames. Right now emergency teams are trying to contain the fires, or at least drive them towards homes that have already been foreclosed on." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So far, more than 10,000 acres have been burned. Yesterday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared. Or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an eclair. It's hard to tell. It's times like these when we think twice about electing a former bodybuilder from the black forest. Last time we had a big fire - he tried to slather it with baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"California is not an easy state to be Governor of, but here's how I see it, everyplace has something you have to worry about - Louisiana has hurricanes, Texas has tornadoes, here we have earthquakes, wildfires and Heather Locklear behind the wheel. You make do." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there's a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it's hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Turn It Around

10. Try the old "I'll vote for you if you vote for me" trick.
9. Inspire America by jumping Straight Talk Express over Snake River Canyon.
8. Change name to Jorack McBama.
7. Start wearing a cape.
6. Step one: send Bin Laden free tickets to Giants game. Step two: when he shows up in East Rutherford, New Jersey expecting to enjoy some big blue smashmouth football: gotcha sucka!
5. Sizzling tango with Cloris Leachman on "Dancing With The Stars."
4. Put more effort into budget plan, less effort into Facebook status updates.
3. Point out his steady leadership got us through the Great Depression.
2. Assure voters the only poll that matters is in his pants.
1. Get Sarah Palin to illegally fire herself

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: McCain's Brand New Stump Speech
Colbert Report: The Word: P.O.W.

Oct. 13, 2008

"You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno

"Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for Washington?" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'" --Jay Leno

"This is kind of interesting. Optical shops have sold out of the sexy eyeglass frames that Sarah Palin wears. You know those? They're all sold out. And women's clothing stores are sold out of the pretty dress that Michelle Obama has been wearing in her interviews. That's all sold out, too. However, a plastic surgeon said today they still have a warehouse full of those Joe Biden-type hair plugs. They got cases of those." --Jay Leno

"Happy Columbus Day, everybody. Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn't that amazing?" --Jay Leno

"Today, they gave out the Nobel prize for economics. Why? Believe me, in this economy, there weren't many people to choose to give it to. You know who would up getting it? You know who got it? Gary Coleman for those cash call commercials. That's right, he was the only guy." --Jay Leno

"And the finance ministers of the world's top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. I thought this was nice. While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he'd feel involved." --Jay Leno

"Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the worst financial crisis since the Carter administration. Good news, the stock market went up over 900 points today. That's good news. This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since ... actually, it's the first good thing to happen to McCain." --Jay Leno

"You know, do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Like today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, 'I think he's doing a fine job in Iraq.'" --Jay Leno

"The average price of a gallon of gas has had its biggest drop ever this week also. It's now down to $3.30 a gallon. Remember $3.30 a gallon? That's the price you used to get outraged about a year ago." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, over the weekend she went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. And I thought well, I bet she probably needed a break, had to get away from reading every newspaper and magazine. Because you don't even know how much time that takes." --David Letterman

"You can tell every now and then that Sarah Palin spends a lot of time in Alaska, because when after she dropped the first puck at the hockey game, she cut a hole in the ice and began to fish." --David Letterman

"The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he's going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working." --David Letterman

"But it's going to be a big week for John McCain. Don't kid yourself. Today and tomorrow he will be campaigning. Wednesday is the debate and then Thursday he cancels on me again" --David Letterman

"Today's Columbus Day, the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus discovering America, or as it is now known, "a fixer-upper." --David Letterman

"A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors." --David Letterman

"President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, "It's a good thing I'm in charge." And I know that's what we're all thinking." --David Letterman

"But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu." --David Letterman

"Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office." --David Letterman

"The presidential race is starting to get very ugly here towards the very end. Yesterday, just yesterday, a congressman from Georgia said that John McCain's personal attacks on Barack Obama are 'sowing the seeds of hatred.' Yeah, McCain responded by saying, 'I'm 73. I haven't sowed any seeds in 30 years. Back off.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Newsweek magazine's being criticized, because last week's cover featured a very unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Yeah, Palin says it's the worst thing the press has done to her since the time they made her answer a question." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, the leaders of the world's richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. Yeah. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world's richest countries." --Conan O'Brien

"There is more good news, folks. Today the Dow made a comeback, gaining 936 points! Henry Paulson's plan to change his plan to whatever the Europeans are planning is working. That is such a big one-day jump. I wouldn't be surprised if John McCain resumed his campaign." --Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin "Troopergate" Investigation Report

10. Spent thousands of tax-payer dollars pimpin' her dog sled.
9. Terminated her hairstylist after receiving a bad beehive.
8. Palin claims she hasn't seen this kind of misuse of justice since Supreme Court case of... umm, lemme think of one.
7. In her adult life has never gone more than ten minutes without saying, "You betcha!"
6. No number 6 -- writer looking for his hairbrush.
5. Report's conclusion: "Hey, at least she didn't shoot a guy like Cheney!"
4. Spent 8 weeks in rehab for addiction to lip gloss.
3. When asked to respond to charges said, "Instead of answering your question, I'm going to talk about energy."
2. Printed in extra-large font so McCain can read it!
1. Palin's excuse: "It wasn't me, it was Tina Fey"

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: VP's Troopers & Practical Jokes
Daily Show: Paulson's Tortured Flip Flop
Colbert Report: Kathleen Parker Interview

Oct. 10, 2008

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher

"Do you have money in the stock market, because it dropped 20 percent in a week. This week, the biggest loss ever. But don't worry: President Bush has a plan to bail out the bailout." --Bill Maher

"He went on TV today to reassure the public. I don't know if it worked, because halfway through the speech two guys came in and repossessed the podium." --Bill Maher

"His big line was today: 'We are a prosperous nation with immense resources and a wide range of tools to deal with this problem. And he's right: he's a tool, Bernanke's a tool, Paulsen's a tool, Alan Greenspan, a huge tool." --Bill Maher

"So let's see, the country is broke. Listen to this: 60 percent of the people in America now say we are headed toward a depression, not a recession, a depression. We are in desperate needs of profitable industries we can tax. Um, now can we legalize pot?" --Bill Maher

"The other big story, of course, this week is how nasty and angry the crowds are getting at the McCain and Palin rallies, especially when Palin speaks. Now, to be fair, a lot of these fans of hers that are at these rallies have lost everything in the economic crisis: their mobile home, their waterbed, their meth lab." --Bill Maher

"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher

"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher

"The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence." --Bill Maher

"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." --Bill Maher

"Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno

"Some good news for Sarah Palin: she has been cleared in that troopergate scandal. You know who cleared her? Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He's now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year." --Jay Leno

"Another kind of awkward moment today for John McCain on the campaign trail, another one of those town-hall-style campaign stops he likes to do. I guess a senior citizen asked 'What's the fastest relief, you know, for older people?' And McCain said, 'I like Imodium.'" --Jay Leno

"See, politics is very, very tricky. It's a very, very tricky thing. It's too close to call. Well, Barack is ahead now, but you never know what can happen. You gotta remember: politics is like sex. There's always going to be one side that's horribly disappointed." --Jay Leno

"I'm not taking sides here, is it me, but doesn't McCain seem to be going really, really negative? Boy, I saw that latest campaign commercial. Did you see that one airing today? Take a look [on screen: Announcer: 'Barack Obama: his record is clear. Not only did he approve sex education for kindergartners, he ordered Sesame Street to only teach the letters S and M (image of Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie wearing sadomasochistic apparel). He's also been palling around with Satan (image of Obama with arm around Satan). And his tax plan may seem ok until you look at it under a blacklight. Eww. McCain: I'm John McCain, and I approve this message'). Really negative." --Jay Leno

"But the big story continues to be the economy. How many people remember when we had an economy? ... They said on the news today that the stock market is on a wild roller-coaster ride. Really? Does it feel like a roller coaster? Doesn't it feel more like that stupid free-fall ride where you drop 500 feet and you vomit all over the place?" --Jay Leno

"I'll give you an idea how bad the economy is: you know the giant national debt clock in Times Square that keeps track of the national debt? It's now run out of digits. This is true. It only goes up to a trillion, and we passed that. We're now going to add two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these even real numbers anymore? Don't they sound like the kinds of numbers you'd use when you argue with your friends?" --Jay Leno

"I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'What can I get for an extra 50?' She said '100 shares of General Motors.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels." --Jay Leno

"Well, this weekend, representatives from the world's 20 richest nations will get together to try and figure out how to solve this global economic meltdown. They're called the Group of 20. Given how bad things are, they used to be called the Group of 50." --Jay Leno

"All these countries are going to get together and brainstorm. So I guess that pretty much leaves President Bush out of the picture." --Jay Leno

"They found that Americans actually eat more during bad economic times, that people become fatter during bad financial periods. Isn't that amazing? This is the only country in the world, when the economy goes south, not only don't you lose your ass, it gets bigger." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman

"That's right, Hillary Clinton's celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, 'the Bridge to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that's nice." --David Letterman

"You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Medalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"Boy, you can sure tell that it's 2008. The campaign has really changed from when I was a kid running for office, because Barack Obama has purchased his own satellite TV station to run campaign commercials. Isn't that amazing? His own satellite station to run campaign commercials. Meanwhile, John McCain's VCR is still bleeping '12:00.'" --David Letterman

"I like Senator McCain: he looks like a guy who falls asleep testing a mattress at Macy's." --David Letterman

"I like Sarah Palin, too. She looks like a lady with her own line of cookies." --David Letterman

"A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'"  --Conan O'Brien

"Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president."  --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird: due to complaints, Walgreen's drug store has been forced to remove talking dolls of Barack Obama and John McCain. They had to remove them, yeah. Walgreen's was also forced to remove the real Ralph Nader from the store. He was hanging around. He wasn't buying anything."  --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, tough times on Wall Street right now. In a speech today, President Bush said the following, quote: 'The rescue plan is big enough to work but needs time.' Yeah. Then former President Clinton said the same thing, but he wasn't talking about the rescue plan." --Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Friday Late-Night Joke Highlight Reel
Late-Night Jokes of the Week

Oct. 9, 2008

"Beautiful day in New York City today: it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky."  --David Letterman

"I'll tell you, I like John McCain. He looks like a guy you'd see wandering around Walgreen's looking for the dye gel. He looks like the guy at Home Depot who mixes paint."  --David Letterman

"Did you folks see the debate the other night. At one point, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later, the thought maybe that something had gone haywire, he apologized. He said he got confused; he thought he was at the bakery."  --David Letterman

"But this is a good part of the campaign. Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. You enjoy it when it gets nasty? Listen to this: today John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Ouch."  --David Letterman

"But the first debate was at podiums, and the debate this week was what they call the town hall. The format for the next debate is going to be fun: dunk tanks."  --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin. We like Sarah Palin, right? She's a lot of fun? Miss Alaska. Now she is saying that she doesn't know who Barack Obama really is, doesn't know who Barack Obama really is. Well, that's interesting, because she also doesn't know who Sarkozy is, Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chávez, Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, the list goes on and on."  --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over."  --David Letterman

"Are you worried about the economy? Listen to this: the Federal Reserve has lowered the interest rate to 1.5 percent. ... I tell you, I haven't seen interest that low, well, since last night's audience."  --David Letterman

"And everybody in New York City is worried about the economy, everybody is hurting. The hookers down in Times Square, bless their hearts, listen to this: because of the economy, they now have to work past the retirement age of 65."  --David Letterman

"Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting." --David Letterman

"As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government's new $700 billion plan, saying, 'It's going to take a while.' Of the course the good news is, he's never been right." --Seth Meyers

"At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeline Albright that she read off a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming, 'America Runs On Dunkin.'" --Amy Poehler

"Everybody's still talking about the presidential debate the other night. How boring it was. Expects say neither candidate scored a knockout punch. Well, I don't know about that. After about ten minutes, I was out like a light." --Jay Leno

"McCain criticized Barack Obama for saying he would invade Pakistan to go after Bin Laden. McCain said he would never telegraph his punches. Well, telegraph maybe, e-mail no." --Jay Leno

"Obama says there is nothing to the accusations of a friendship with '60s radical Bill Ayers. He says Ayers is a person he knew early in his career, but now plays no role in his campaign. You know, kinda like the Clintons." --Jay Leno

"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno

"Hey, how many are worried about Iran's nuclear enrichment program? How many are more worried about our CEO-enrichment program? Here's something that's gonna make you mad: remember last week after Congress grilled those AIG executives, after taking our $85 billion in bailout money and spending half a million at that fancy resort, well this week they asked for and got another $37.5 billion. And earlier this week they announced they're going on another retreat, this time with golf and massages at the Ritz-Carlton hotel at Half Moon Bay here in California. Instead of a bailout, how about locking these guys up with no bail?" --Jay Leno

"Let me ask you something: didn't we buy this company? Don't we own it now? Why don't we all show up at the Ritz-Carlton next week. Hey, where's our massage?" --Jay Leno

[As Rodney Dangerfield] I tell you, I went to the bank, asked for a loan, the guy said 'We were just gonna ask you the same thing.' ... The economy is so bad, today, I saw Bill Maher praying. That's how bad. People in San Francisco can only afford Rice now; no more Roni. ... I saw Mrs. Fields today selling Girl Scout cookies. That's how bad. Saw a guy at Costco buying one roll of toilet paper. That's how bad. The economy is so bad now pigs can no longer afford lipstick." --Jay Leno

"'W.' hits the theaters October 17th, the movie about the Bush administration, did you know about this movie? You know, the stock market's collapse, homes are being foreclosed on, unemployment's at an all-time high. Wait until Halloween; release it as a horror movie." --Jay Leno

"According to the National Enquirer, Britney Spears' younger sister Jaime Lynn Spears, is pregnant again, according to the National Enquirer. But the good news is, Sarah Palin has named her an honorary Alaskan." --Jay Leno

"Saturday night, Sarah Palin is going to drop the first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers' hockey game. Then Palin will spend the rest of the game trying to keep the hockey players out of her daughter's penalty box." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide, which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird, but this is true, it was in the paper today: members of the press corps are complaining that Barack Obama's airplane, the airplane he uses to get around and that the press travels on, is cramped and has a terrible odor. So finally, with just one month left until the election, we have found the comedic take on Obama: he has a smelly plane. That's what we have to go on, yeah. 'Old Smelly Plane Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off the show, “The Biggest Loser.” Yeah, that leaves two contestants, the C.E.O. of A.I.G. and the C.E.O. of Lehman Brothers."--Conan O'Brien

"We have any fans of 'The Biggest Loser?' ... Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off 'The Biggest Loser.' ... That leaves two contestants: the CEO of AIG and the CEO of Lehman Brothers" --Conan O'Brien

Late-Night Videos
SNL Spoofs the Presidential Debate
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House
Daily Show: FOX News Panics
Colbert Report: David Gergen on Personal Attacks

Oct. 8, 2008

"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman

"I don't know, what did you think of the debate? Anything? Anything going on there? I'm not sure that John McCain actually helped himself. In fact, I think maybe he blew off the wrong show." --David Letterman

"I kind of got a chuckle out of this. Tom Brokaw was the moderator of the debate, and at one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they're going to now answer questions that came in over the Internet. And you know what McCain said? 'Tom, is that the same as a telegraph?'" --David Letterman

"But they had the town hall format, and that meant that the candidates could wander around on stage. You know, I like John McCain, but wandering around on stage there, he looked like a retiree who can't find his Buick." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was not mentioned during the debate and did not watch the debate. I thought that was interesting. And they said, 'Well, Sarah, why? I'm sorry, Miss Alaska -- why didn't you watch the debate?' And she said, 'Well, I'm busy reading every newspaper and magazine ever published.'" --David Letterman

"And then there was one kind of unpleasant moment for Barack Obama when that woman jumps up. Did you see that, where the woman jumps up? And Barack Obama is momentarily taken aback. And he said, 'All right, look, I told you, ma'am, I already have a running mate. Now please sit down, Hillary.'" --David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, "What? Like I'm supposed to remember everybody's name now?" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, because of all the international focus on the election, last night's debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America, or, as Sarah Palin calls them, Russia." --Conan O'Brien

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien

"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it 'Dancing Around the Questions.' I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as 'Ebony and History.'" --Jay Leno

"And it was broadcast live from Nashville. You know, I don't want to say the debate was boring. But I never thought a political event in Tennessee could be that dull without the help of Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"Boy, that was dull, wasn't it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president's ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, 'showing off.'" --Jay Leno

"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno

"Of course, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for singing 'Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.' Remember that? Ironically, it's now the number one song in Israel." --Jay Leno

"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric's interview, she called it 'gotcha journalism.' Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls 'you betcha!' journalism." --Jay Leno

"You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

Late-Night Videos
Daily Show: Michelle Obama Interview
Daily Show: Word War II
Colbert: Second Presidential Debate

Oct. 7, 2008

"Did you folks see the second presidential debate? ... Yeah, but the debate got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain said to Barack Obama, 'May I call you Joe?'" --David Letterman

"But this was what they call the town hall format, and that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage, and it was pretty successful, John McCain only wandered off twice." --David Letterman

"McCain was on stage with a hand mike, and I don't want to say anything because, look at me. But it was a little sad. He's got the hand mike there, and you could tell he was confused when he started singing 'Sweet Caroline.'" --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who thinks he's the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. You better tie up those trash bags or we're gonna get racoons." --David Letterman

"But this presidential debate was held in Nashville, Tennessee, and I think, according to Sarah Palin, that borders Iraq. I'm not sure." --David Letterman

"Tonight's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? 'I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone.'" --Jay Leno

"Tonight's presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator's questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly. No, it's a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a sermon on the mount. See, it's a little different." --Jay Leno

"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is attacking Barack Obama for palling around with terrorists. Like this William Ayers guy, apparently a '60s radical who allegedly once set off a bomb in a Capitol building men's room. Set off a bomb in the men's room? Well, Senator Larry Craig said, 'The guy's an animal! What a horrible, despicable thing to do!'" --Jay Leno

"And John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has won the 'Family Circle' magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies, narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope. In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in." --Jay Leno

"With all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21." --Jay Leno

"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno

"The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don't know if you heard this, John McCain said, 'The gloves are coming off.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, 'but don't worry, the diaper is staying on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, interesting, some of the questions for tonight's debate were submitted by people on the internet. Yeah, people on the internet could submit questions. Yeah, and when faced with the internet questions, John McCain said he refuses to engage with wizards or warlocks. None of that crazy internet magic for him." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as 'our neighboring country.' Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Presidential Debate

10. It's a town hall debate, but the town is in a mountainous region of Pakistan.
9. Tom Brokaw leaves early to catch 9:15 showing of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
8. Topics fall into the categories "Domestic policy," "Foreign policy," and "Burt Reynolds films of the '70s."
7. Keep arguing about who has more friends on Facebook.
6. Candidate says, "Why you hatin'?" Other responds, "Why you buggin'?"
5. It's covered by CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Howard 100 News team.
4. Candidates ignore questions and gossip about which Senate pages are sluts.
3. The yodeling competition.
2. Disproportionate amount of questions about "The Hills."
1. It's 90 minutes of folksy phrases and winking

Late-Night Videos
Daily Show: Six Degrees of Desperation
Daily Show: The Stupid Vote
Colbert: Stephen's Town Hall
Colbert: Maverick Without A Cause

Oct. 6, 2008

"By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." --David Letterman

"John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn't working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain's problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here." --David Letterman

"And now we got like 28 more days and the campaign is getting ugly. I love this. ... Barack Obama called McCain erratic. And in response to those charges, McCain responded by yelling, turn down that damn music!" --David Letterman

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

"And now she's going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that's the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is very feisty, and she's upset now with John McCain for pulling out of Michigan. And apparently McCain is getting on her nerves, so earlier today she called Kelly Ripa to get some advice for dealing with a geezer." --David Letterman

"I don't know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it's really not that bad." --Jay Leno

During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She'd kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it'd be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think